I want to be very clear, that none of what I am about to share… just happened. This a testament to my commitment to doing the work necessary to communicate and partner with my husband in order to receive the support that I need from him. I am a firm believer that, in most instances, you have not because you ask not. And when you ask, you ask amiss because you let the narratives of others and even your ego get in the way (that was totally me, but I’m breaking free and learning). My Mommy Support Strategy works every single time… and the life I’m living is proof. As you read, don’t look at this as a means to compare, but rather be inspired that it is truly possible for you to receive the love and support that you need.
1. Self care day/moments
I talk about this most often. But when it comes to getting my time… I get my time and my husband is the major reason why. He and I both understand he is not just some babysitter, but a loving caring and present father. And as ready as he was to step in and give me a break, he really din’t know exactly how to approach me, because I was literally making it seem like I could do it all. It wasn’t until my bathroom breakdown that I finally opened up and said to him “Babe I need a serious break… away from our little lady”. (you can click here to read the full story).
It’s important to note that I didn’t come at him with anger, or regret… but with vulnerability and a desire for empathy. How we communicate is most times more important that what we communicate. I left all the attacking and “shoulda coulda woulda” at the door, because that would not have helped my situation. I was overwhelmed, and needed my husband’s support. So I simply kept the focus on me, my needs and making my request. And that was the birth of my “Selfish Sunday”… which has been affectionately renamed… “Daddy & Dream Day”. Every month looks different, but every month hubby ensures that I get my time.
2. School Drop offs/pickup
I’ve graduated into a new level of the “mommy leagues”, which means more things to do. School “Drop offs” and “pick ups” are a part of our everyday lives now, and before my little one started her first day, I came up with a plan so that I wouldn’t have to carry the weight of it all. I set aside some time to chat baby-free, so that hubby & I could discuss this new season of our lives as parents and come up with a plan that would work best. I started by sharing just how much his love and support mean to me, and presented my thoughts on how it could work for us. I was also super clear about what all this would mean for me mentally, as well as for him and our little one (who has been in desperate need of playtime with other little people lol). Now we have a set schedule, and it’s been so good for all of us. Dream gets extra time with her daddy, while I’m able to get extra time just for myself.
You’d be surprised just how freeing it is to share those everyday responsibilities.
3. Morning/bed time routines
It took some time for me to even figure out how to get to an actual morning/bedtime routine for our little lady. And once I did, I was quick to let my hubby know how we could share this task. Everything was cool at first, until my husband had to tell me about myself. He basically told me he felt like he couldn’t really step up and help the way he wanted to, because he felt like I was always there hovering, directing and redirecting. And he was totally right. Instead of taking advantage of these precious moments to myself, I found myself all up in his space, trying to make sure he did everything the way I wanted it done.
And if I’m being honest… all the hovering and even nagging was exhausting!
So I swallowed my pride, let go of my ego, and let the brother do his thing.
And let me tell you the real tea!!! Once I got out of the way (literally) and let him help in his own way… his eyes were opened and he got a better understanding of all the things I had on my plate. Yes, empathy. He got a personal dose of my “mommy load” and it has changed the game! For a lot of dads, seeing is believing. They have to experience some things in order to fully understand why their love and support is so important.
Married mommas, allow your husband to help you! And when he rises to the occasion… step aside and let him help in his own way.
4. He Provides
This man is going to do everything in his power to make sure we are good. He takes pride in how he provides for me and our family, and I so appreciate all that he does for us. God is good! I also had to learn that I can appreciate how my man provides for me and still welcome his support in other areas, especially as a SAHM. I had to learn that it is not an “either/or” conversation. I had to learn that I can celebrate those qualities and the ways my husband supports me outside of our home, while also expressing the areas where I’d love that support to be more tangible in our home.
It’s not always an easy conversation, but I know first hand the power of prayer, especially for the words to say when having difficult conversations. I also know the power of making deposits and celebrating the ways in which my husband shows up for me, while also being clear about the other things I need in this season.
Don’t be afraid to have those difficult conversations. The support, and breakthrough that you desire are often found on the other side.
5. He’s committed to our “D-Day”
Once a week hubby and I sit down for a very open heart to heart discussion about all the things that concern us… our marriage, our child, our goals as a couple and individually. This practice has been so effective and the topic such a “fan-fave” I created a free cheat sheet to help you create your own. Grab it here!
At first it was a bit awkward, but over time we got into a rhythm and there is no turning back! We’ve now gotten to the place where we can discuss anything… ANYTHING… especially when we have a quiet baby-free moment.
So what exactly do we do on “D-Day“? Let me tell you…
WE DISCUSS 3 specific things:
– What’s working ( in our marriage, family, finances, individually)
– What’s not working (areas to improve)
– How we can support each other, as we grow
WE DECIDE on what’s best for our family together:
– How we will focus our attention for the coming week
– One specific way to show up/support each other
WE DATE and enjoy time to reconnect as a married couple
– We make the time to step away from the busyness of work, life and parenting for a few hours & reconnect with each other! Whether out for a lunch date, to the park, movies, or in house for some “TLC” lol, it’s always just what we need and then some!
I’ve learned that having a husband isn’t just a badge of honor… it means I have a partner in life! He is an amazing father, and I’m learning how I can do my part to ensure I’m not shutting him out or down when he’s looking to rise to the occasion, because one thing about my husband he is always ready to step in and support!
I’m learning, asking and receiving!
Listen, most of us as moms already know just how important self care is, yet many don’t feel supported enough to actually get the time they know they deserve and need! I don’t play about getting my husband on board to support me, and I don’t want you to be left in the dark. So go ahead and grab my free Mommy Support Cheat Sheet, where I share a quick overview of my proven method to help you set the stage (and create your own “D-Day”) and finally get the mommy support your crave from your husband! Yes, this is LITERALLY what I do!
Let’s go momma… and be sure to share with a momma who needs this!