There was a season in my life as a mom, when I expected my husband to just “get it”. I expected him to look at me and our child, access the situation, and find ways to show up and support me. Like we’re both parents, tap into that daddy intuition, and let’s go!
But that’s not what was happening at all.
He would see me, see the situation, but wouldn’t do what I expected him to do. I was completely frustrated. Like why aren’t you HELPING ME! Can’t you see how much is on my plate right now? Can’t you see I need you?
Now don’t get me wrong, my husband is amazing, and he has stepped up in sooo many ways. This man loves being a dad, loves his daughter and would do anything for the both of us. I just knew that what he did didn’t always match up with what I needed in the moment.
So one fine day, while calmly expressing my frustration and how I felt “like he wasn’t supporting me”… do you know what this brother said to me!?!
He said: “I see you with Dream, and I want to come running, but I don’t always know how to help you”.
LAWD!!!! Talk about a wake up call.
So my husband wasn’t ignoring me, or intentionally leaving me to fend for myself. He just wasn’t clear on how exactly I needed to be supported. 🤯 So simple, but I’d missed it, completely!
My disappointment, frustration and resentment had little to do with him and so much to do with me! I don’t like to admit it, but God got me all the way together.
I EXPECTED so much from my husband (in his daddy role) without actually COMMUNICATING specifically what I needed from him! Like idk why I didn’t see it before, but in what world does that even make sense…
Expecting someone to do something and they don’t even know what that *something* is… huh?!
Well, from this one exchange, I was reminded to stop assuming and to always communicate my needs. We both apologized to each other. We both noticed ways where we could have done things better to support each other. We’re both new to this whole parent thing, and we’re both growing and learning… the key is to always do it TOGETHER!
Ever since that moment, I have been working on the best ways to enlist the support I need from my husband. I am still learning and growing, but these following tips have changed the game, for both of us! I hope they help you as well!
5 steps to get the support you need from your husband
1. Check your expectations!
This is where it all started. I was frustrated, overwhelmed, and felt alone because I had expectations that I’d never communicated with my husband. Remember, we can’t expect someone to do something when they aren’t even aware of what that something is.
2. Leave your assumption at the door. Men are NOT mind readers!
As well as our husbands know us… they cannot ready out minds! I had to stop assuming that my husband would see me and just know what to do. I had to stop assuming that his “daddy intuition” made him a mind reader. Men can see our frustrations, they can even see that we need help, but that doesn’t mean they’ll just “get it” and know what do for you in that moment. I remember one time, I was literally struggling to get Dream into her bottoms, and my husband just sat there… I was fuming, but I didn’t say anything until our checkin later that morning. Come to find out, he was sitting close by waiting to see what I needed from him. He didn’t want to say anything, but he wanted me to know he was available. LAWD!!! Learned my lesson… now, when he’s around to help… I tell him EXACTLY what I need.
3. Ask for what you want/need and be specific!
Many men want to step up and show off for us, but they won’t be able to do that if they don’t know how. We have to tell them, and be extremely specific. I use “tell” pretty lightly, because it indeed works best when it is a partnership; but, the point still remains… we must communicate and be specific. Just saying, “Babe I don’t feel like you help/support me”… isn’t enough. You need to be clear about where and how you need to be supported. what exactly does that “support” look like to you? What exactly do you expect from your husband? Does he fully understand, and are those requests/expectations realistic?
4. Be okay with questions (LAWDDDD)
I’m still working on this, but I’m learning to be okay with my husband asking questions about what we’ve discussed. Listen, after deciding what he can do to support me and writing it down on the schedule… the last thing I would expect from him is, “what do you need me to do, again”😭😭😭. I’m learning to give my husband grace, in the same way I would want it for myself. We both have busy schedules, and sometimes we forget. Sometimes we need a reminder. We always need grace. It’s okay to ask questions. (PRAY FOR ME)!
5. Check in regularly!
My husband and I have what I call “D-Day” every week. This is baby-free time for us to discuss, decide & date. We discuss what’s working, what’s not working, and how we can support each other. It’s so important for us to check in regularly, because things change. Schedules change, babies and their needs change… WE CHANGE… so we both have to be flexible. For example, hubby and I had a whole schedule where we would rotate bedtime duties with our little lady. Over the past couple weeks, bedtime has changed drastically and I’m leaning in to my daughter’s needs in this season. With that change, I realized I’d been doing a lot more during bedtime, and would need my husband’s support in other areas. So during our weekly checkin, I was able to express how I was feeling, as well as provide a list of specific things my husband could do to support me, especially during the evenings when he used to be on bedtime duty. And he has been on it ever since!
Bonus tip: Make deposits & Empower your man!
Ask yourself are you supporting your husband? Are you giving him that same level of time, attention and care as you desire for yourself? Are you celebrating him, encourage him and let him know how well he’s doing supporting you and the family? Or do you find yourself only highlighting his mistakes, failures and how he’s disappointing you? Momma… pour into your husband! Build that man up! Stroke every inch of his ego… (no pun intended haha). Momma, I promise you… making deposits and empowering your husband will only do wonders for the future of how he supports you!
I want to be very clear. I’ve had some huge wins in how my husband supports me. And Although these steps are simple, this process takes work❤️❤️❤️. My husband and I have specifically been working on our in house “support strategy” for well over a year, and we still have work to do. We’ve had to address certain things for months before figuring out what worked best for us. We’ve also had to unlearn somethings, while growing. And guess what? With each step on this journey as parents, there will be new challenges to overcome, more things to discuss..possibly more babies to raise (😭). It takes time, and it is indeed a journey. So please approach with love, an open heart and a whole lot of grace. I promise you it will all be worth it!
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