That feeling of “am I the right mom for this”, crosses my mind more often than I’d like to admit.
If you’re a mom, I’m sure that you can agree that The days are long, and the tantrums often seem just as great as the triumphs. But it is in those moments, that I’ve learned to press in even more to the ever-loving arm of my Savior and the TRUTH of His Word! Prayers, weeping and my full surrender merge to help me see more clearly that all that is happening in my life is happening FOR ME not TO ME.
I am the mom that my little one needs! Being her momma is a major part of my divine assignment, and when I feel weak… HE Is STRONG! He is my strength, my Strong Tower… my fortress… a very present help ALWAYS! My confidence as a mom, comes directly from Him!
So with this revelation in mind, and my heart fully opened to receive, that Lord spoke this word to me and I just knew I needed to share this with you!
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Since becoming a mom, I’ve learned the importance of “filling my cup” and have done the work to make Self Care my lifestyle. My wellbeing is no longer an afterthought, and because of this I’m better equipped spiritually, mentally & physically to care for my family. I no longer allow myself to suffer in silence/sit in overwhelm. Not anymore. I speak up and ask for the support I needin order to get time for myself. From scheduling time for myself every month (Selfish Sunday), to going to therapy bi-weekly (it’s lit)… to taking advantage of all of the “mini moments” to pour into my life daily… I get my time and my life will never be the same. More to come.
2. Waking up before my family.
I wake up before 5:30am almost every single day, and I’ve been doing this consistently for the past 3 months. The highlights of my morning include enjoying my cup of coffee in peace, spending time in God’s word, and seeking His guidance for the day. And depending on my schedule for that day, I also do my workout. It’s not always easy, but having something to look forward to, that I truly love and enjoy, makes it 100% worth the push for me. And my day is just better when I wake up early. Yes, there are still challenges to overcome, but “My day always flows best when I’m up before the rest”. Getting a head start on my day, before everyone else “needs me”… has changed the game for me.
3. Spending time with Jesus, Daily.
I’ve really been working on making the Lord my daily delight (Psalms 37:4 ), abiding in Him (John 15:4-11) , meditating on His Word, and putting my full trust in Him. I gave my life to Christ years ago, but I feel like my desire to go deeper with Him has grown since becoming a mom. He is The Source… My EVERYTHING! Making every effort to intentionally seek God first in all of my ways, early in the morning, has made such a difference in my life. There is something different that happens when we seek God in the calm of the morning., without distractions. Even as I write this, I’m in the midst of one of the most uncertain and challenging times of my life, yet I feel stronger and more secure than ever. There is peace that overtakes me when I lay all of my cares at His feet. I trust Him with my life, and I am now in the midst of that lived experience. I have no idea how any mom can survive with out Him, and I’m so grateful for His grace, mercy, strength, rest, favor, correction, direction and faithfulness! My life will never be the same and this is just the beginning!
4. Making time to do, wear & enjoy what I love.
If you know me then you know I love to slay! My forever goal is to be snatched for His glory; allowing the work that God is doing on the inside to shine through in all the ways that I show up… and that includes all things beauty and fashion. I feel like this desire has heightened since becoming a mom, mainly because I can’t stand the narratives that imply “once you become a mom, you become a mess.” NOT for this momma! Your girl has been doing the work to grow and become who God is calling me to be, and I will reflect just that. So every week, multiple times a week, I plan a whole slay. From my face beat to my feet, I show up to reflect the work God is doing in and through me. I wear one of my favorite ensembles ( from sweats to dresses… I only own things that I love), throw on my lashes, and live my best stay-at-home-mom life with my little one. It’s been so good for me. I also have a hair schedule. Yes… a whole schedule of slays for my hair. I seriously love it! I can’t quite explain it but when I look and feel amazing, I’m able to face the day a bit more confidently. Besides beauty maintenance is a form of self care for me.
5. Working out weekly.
I working out at least 5x a week. It’s a lifestyle, as well as a form of self care for me. Working out is not only good for me physically, but I often find it helps me when I’m in need of a mental break, and even a reset. Like most, I’m not always in the mood to workout; however, I am always so fulfilled when I push through and get it done. Always! Not to mention I have a whole wardrobe that’s depending on me to show up, lol. So working out whether a HITT workout on the free NTC app, a 3 mile walk outdoors, or my own in-house workout sequence… it helps keep me fit, stable and ready! My wellness is a priority.
What habits have helped you as a mom? What habits are you working on? Share below.
It’s been on my heart, so I have to ask…
Are you overwhelmed?
Are you long overdue and in desperate need of some “me time“? Are you struggling to “find the time” for yourself with all the “demands” on your plate as a mom a wife, and in your career/business? Do feel like you don’t have the help or supportyou need to care for yourself? You know you need some serious self care, and you’re ready to take radical action to prioritize yourself, and finally “fill your cup”?
If you’re sitting there, nodding your head, with the sound of your littles in the background, I have exactly what you need!
The Ultimate Self Care Guide for Busy and working moms!
5 simplesteps to finally “find the time”, and unapologetically create & enjoy a guilt-free lifestyle of Radical Self Care… starting today!
Click To learn all about it!
Busy & working mommas I want to hear from you… How are you prioritizing yourself? What do you do to help you show up confidently as a mom!? Share with me on social media…@theresa__Dennis and be sure to share with a momma who needs this reminder!
There was a season in my life as a mom, when I expected my husband tojust “get it”. I expected him to look at me and our child, access the situation, and find ways to show up and support me. Like we’re both parents, tap into that daddy intuition, and let’s go!
But that’s not what was happening at all.
He would see me, see the situation, but wouldn’t do what I expected him to do. I was completely frustrated. Like why aren’t you HELPING ME! Can’t you see how much is on my plate right now? Can’t you see I need you?
Now don’t get me wrong, my husband is amazing, and he has stepped up in sooo many ways. This man loves being a dad, loves his daughter and would do anything for the both of us. I just knew that what he did didn’t always match up with what I needed in the moment.
So one fine day, while calmly expressing my frustration and how I felt “like he wasn’t supporting me”… do you know what this brother said to me!?!
He said: “I see you with Dream, and I want to come running, but I don’t always know how to help you”.
LAWD!!!! Talk about a wake up call.
So my husband wasn’t ignoring me, or intentionally leaving me to fend for myself. He just wasn’t clear on how exactly I needed to be supported. 🤯 So simple, but I’d missed it, completely!
My disappointment, frustration and resentment had little to do with him and so much to do with me! I don’t like to admit it, but God got me all the way together.
I EXPECTED so much from my husband (in his daddy role) without actually COMMUNICATING specifically what I needed from him! Like idk why I didn’t see it before, but in what world does that even make sense…
Expecting someone to do something and they don’t even know what that *something* is… huh?!
Well, from this one exchange, I was reminded to stop assuming and to always communicate my needs. We both apologized to each other. We both noticed ways where we could have done things better to support each other. We’re both new to this whole parent thing, and we’re both growing and learning… the key is to always do it TOGETHER!
Ever since that moment, I have been working on the best ways to enlist the support I need from my husband. I am still learning and growing, but these following tips have changed the game, for both of us! I hope they help you as well!
5 steps to get the support you need from your husband
1. Check your expectations!
This is where it all started. I was frustrated, overwhelmed, and felt alone because I had expectations that I’d never communicated with my husband. Remember, we can’t expect someone to do something when they aren’t even aware of what that something is.
2. Leave your assumption at the door. Men are NOT mind readers!
As well as our husbands know us… they cannot ready out minds! I had to stop assuming that my husband would see me and just know what to do. I had to stop assuming that his “daddy intuition” made him a mind reader. Men can see our frustrations, they can even see that we need help, but that doesn’t mean they’ll just “get it” and know what do for you in that moment. I remember one time, I was literally struggling to get Dream into her bottoms, and my husband just sat there… I was fuming, but I didn’t say anything until our checkin later that morning. Come to find out, he was sitting close by waiting to see what I needed from him. He didn’t want to say anything, but he wanted me to know he was available. LAWD!!! Learned my lesson… now, when he’s around to help… I tell him EXACTLY what I need.
3. Ask for what you want/need and be specific!
Many men want to step up and show off for us, but they won’t be able to do that if they don’t know how. We have to tell them, and be extremely specific. I use “tell” pretty lightly, because it indeed works best when it is a partnership; but, the point still remains… we must communicate and be specific. Just saying, “Babe I don’t feel like you help/support me”… isn’t enough. You need to be clear about where and how you need to be supported. what exactly does that “support” look like to you? What exactly do you expect from your husband? Does he fully understand, and are those requests/expectations realistic?
4. Be okay with questions (LAWDDDD)
I’m still working on this, but I’m learning to be okay with my husband asking questions about what we’ve discussed. Listen, after deciding what he can do to support me and writing it down on the schedule… the last thing I would expect from him is, “what do you need me to do, again”😭😭😭. I’m learning to give my husband grace, in the same way I would want it for myself. We both have busy schedules, and sometimes we forget. Sometimes we need a reminder. We always need grace. It’s okay to ask questions. (PRAY FOR ME)!
5. Check in regularly!
My husband and I have what I call “D-Day” every week. This is baby-free time for us to discuss, decide & date. We discuss what’s working, what’s not working, and how we can support each other. It’s so important for us to check in regularly, because things change. Schedules change, babies and their needs change… WE CHANGE… so we both have to be flexible. For example, hubby and I had a whole schedule where we would rotate bedtime duties with our little lady. Over the past couple weeks, bedtime has changed drastically and I’m leaning in to my daughter’s needs in this season. With that change, I realized I’d been doing a lot more during bedtime, and would need my husband’s support in other areas. So during our weekly checkin, I was able to express how I was feeling, as well as provide a list of specific things my husband could do to support me, especially during the evenings when he used to be on bedtime duty. And he has been on it ever since!
Bonus tip: Make deposits & Empower your man!
Ask yourself are you supporting your husband? Are you giving him that same level of time, attention and care as you desire for yourself? Are you celebrating him, encourage him and let him know how well he’s doing supporting you and the family? Or do you find yourself only highlighting his mistakes, failures and how he’s disappointing you? Momma… pour into your husband! Build that man up! Stroke every inch of his ego… (no pun intended haha). Momma, I promise you… making deposits and empowering your husband will only do wonders for the future of how he supports you!
I want to be very clear. I’ve had some huge wins in how my husband supports me. And Although these steps are simple, this process takes work❤️❤️❤️. My husband and I have specifically been working on our in house “mommy support strategy” for well over a year, and we still have work to do. We’ve had to address certain things for months before figuring out what worked best for us. We’ve also had to unlearn somethings, while growing. And guess what? With each step on this journey as parents, there will be new challenges to overcome, more things to discuss..possibly more babies to raise (😭). It takes time, and it is indeed a journey. So please approach with love, an open heart and a whole lot of grace. I promise you it will all be worth it!
Listen, most of us as moms already know just how important self care is, yet many don’t feel supported enough to actually get the time they know they deserve and need! I don’t play about getting my husband on board to support me, and I don’t want you to be left in the dark. So go ahead and grab my freeMommy Support Cheat Sheet, where I share a quick overview of my proven method to help you set the stage (and create your own “D-Day”) and finally get the mommy support your crave from your husband! Yes, this is LITERALLY what I do!
Let’s go momma… and be sure to share with a momma who needs this!
It was a Thursday evening, back in fall 2020. I’d just ended a Live Training for Mommy Stylists, while my husband took over all the evening/ night time duties with our 16 month old.
While putting away my tripod, laptop and equipment… my husband came downstairs hyped because he’d successfully put our little lady to sleep with minimal effort.
Y’all… the brother was READY to hang out.
But I was tired, and all I wanted to do was wind down and sleep.
You see this particular “Thursday” was “our day”. Before Dream was born, Thursday was our date day, and once Dream popped up on the scene, we decided it would become family day (unless we had someone to watch her, then of course we could date like old times).
But slowly and ever so surely… Thursday turned into my “work day”. 😬
It started off pretty innocently.
A quick call early in the morning before our day together started. Then a “quick” client from 7-10. But over time those “quick” work things started to become my norm, and I was working well into the time that was supposed to be just for us.I kinda noticed but hubby really noticed and was feeling some type of way.
I can’t recall exactly what happened on this day, but I do distinctly remember him saying…
“Why do I get your leftovers?”
“You’re always so live and bubbly on Instagram and with your mom group, but how come I don’t get that same energy?”
Can you say “OUCH” 😭😭😭😭😭
Yall… I was hurt, angry and a bit overwhelmed by this truth dart. I tried to say “Babe, that’s because that’s just business, and I have an image to maintain”… but God wasn’t finna let me get away with that excuse!
My husband was 1,000% right…. and I knew it!
You see sometimes you don’t need to step away and pray for God to show you what you need to do… sometimes He allows you to see it right then and there and you have to decide what you’re gonna do.
So I turned to him and said “I’m so sorry”.
I’d been giving my all to so many things that season… my little lady (obvi), my clients, my image… all of it… but my husband… the love of my life… my boo bear… was getting my leftovers! And he felt it.
Although I don’t like that I allowed that to happen… I’m so grateful that:
1. He felt comfortable telling me how he felt, and was not afraid to question me and my motives (we need that sometimes)
2. That I was able to receive it and that God was able to work on my heart in the moment
Since then… I’ve made several changes…
1. I’ve intentionally put my marriage in it’s proper place. My marriage is strong, and it’s even stronger now with the challenges we overcome. I realized that my marriage is to be honored above all else, yes… above my career, serving in church…etc. If my house isn’ t in order (i.e. my marriage), then what am I really doing. Furthermore, if my hubby tried to give me his leftovers…. LAWD! No Bueno!
2. I honor the day we set aside for ourselves. I no longer work in any capacity on “our day”. If God called me to do it, then I trust that He will help me to align my life in such a way where I am able to show up in purpose, and honor my commitment to my husband and our spending time together. I’ve had to get really intentional about how I structure my week… oh and my “no” game is stronger than ever!
3. I schedule “our day” on the calendar.To show how much of a priority our time is together, I put pen to paper and schedule our time together every single week. And now that has transformed into what we call “D-Day” where we sit, discuss what’s working and how we can improve, make decisions for our lives and our family together… and we DATE!!!!
Now please don’t miss the message. There will be times when you need “a moment”. There are times when I truly don’t have “it” to give, and my hubby knows and respects that. He’s also been even more intentional about finding ways to support me when I have “one of those days”. However, if you’re constantly giving all of yourself to everyone else… your family, friends, clients… and your husband is lucky to get an ounce of time/love/affection… then I encourage you to check yourself.
That should not be the norm, momma.
Check your priorities. Are things in their proper place? Ask God to show you your blind spots. Ask God not only to open your eyes to see, but to open your heart to receive direction and correction. As wives we have to put pride aside… along with all the narratives that would tell us we’re always right and our husbands should bend to our will… and courageously do the work to make things right. Let’s stop giving our husbands our leftovers.
Your husband and your marriage are worthy of your first fruits!
Y’all I learned a serious lesson about expectations over the past few days while away with my family. I learned that if not properly set, and checked regularly, they can literally ruin a good time.
Let’s explore shall we…
So we decided to visit Sesame Place for some summer time fun. My little lady has been somewhat obsessed with Elmo the past few months, so I figured it only made sense for us to see him in person.
So I got our season pass, booked two nights at a nearby hotel, and planned to have everything packed and loaded for our adventure.
Well the day arrived. I got everything packed, and my little one surprisingly breezed through our nighttime routine. We we all set to drive through the night (during her bad time). All we had to do was wait for daddy, pack the car and head out.
Y’all… once little miss got into that car… things got a little wild. I expected Dream to sleep during the 3 hour drive at night, but sis was looking like 👀 👀👀👀 for 99.9% of the ride. She basically said “these eyes ain’t finna close til we get where we going”! Lawd! Talk about a LONG drive!
After a long night (driving and in the hotel trying to get our little lady back to sleep), we all woke up refreshed and ready for our day. We met up with my sister who was joining us for the day, and made our way to Sesame place.
I expected the park to be nearly empty, but quickly realized I was wrong as we pulled up to see droves of people pushing their strollers and lugging their bags across the walkway. I’m like isn’t this a weekday? Isn’t the school year approaching? Isn’t this a pandemic? Talk about a total shock!
We get in, get our tickets, and I try to ease all the pressure by assuring myself that Dream was going to love it when she saw Elmo and all the rides! I expected her to run, skip and play. But sis was in observation mode most of the time. She wasn’t excited about no rides, barely flinched when Elmo came out… and seeing all those people… She was NOT IMPRESSED!
With all of this going on, I also expected my husband to have all the answers. I was tired, and didn’t want to think about anything anymore. But this… taking a toddler to an amusement park… was a brand new first time experience for both of us, and we were both figuring it out as the day went on.
It. Was. A. Whole. LOT!
I’m so grateful for my husband’s patience and for Aunt Jess helping us to go with the flow, because with the way I was feeling idk we would have left sooner rather than later lol. (THANKS GIRL)
Here’s a glimpse of our day!
It wasn’t until that night, that I realized I needed to check myself. I apologized to my hubby, and just sat with God for a few moments to release all the pressure and frustration from the trip. I seriously don’t like it when things don’t go my way. I was disappointed, but I also knew I wanted to posture myself to learn from this moment.
The next morning, after prayer and talking to my therapist, I realized that I didn’t leave room for the “what if”. I just expected things to go my way, and when they didn’t… I didn’t have any type of recovery plan in place, which led to my frustration and dissapointment.
I expected my little lady to sleep through the night on our drive… but I didn’t have a plan for what to do if she doesn’t.
I expected for my little lady to have the time of her life… but I didn’t prepare for how I would respond if she didn’t
I expected my husband to take over… but I didn’t communicate my needs or prepare for what to do if neither one of us had an answer
You see expectations aren’t bad, but we must be super careful that we are being realistic especially when we put those expectations on others (especially on our children, spouses and loved ones). I am an optimist by nature, I’m also learning when you travel with a toddler ALWAYS HAVE a back up plan… ALWAYS!!!!
I can’t control the circumstances, but I can control how I respond. I can also have a plan (or two) in place for what to do if things don’t go as expected.