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Mentions in the Video:
Check out my Self Care Guide for Moms!
Does this resonate with you? Be sure to like, comment below and as always share with a momma who needs this!
Mentions in the Video:
Nothing grinds my gears more than seeing this narrative circulating on social media!
If you’re on social media I’m sure you’ve seen this or some variation of this at one point or another. You may have even reposted it. Well This was my response!
Since becoming a mom 3 years ago, I’ve been doing the work, and partnering with my hubby and trusted loved ones to create my village of support. No more suffering in silence, waiting for others to read my mind! No more trying to do it all by myself. I am committed to using my voice and asking for exactly what I need from those who are in my life!
I’m now a mom of two, and I find myself having to go back and revisit my mommy support strategy. Each season of motherhood is different, and the support that I need now as a mom of two, is completely different from what I needed in the last season with just a toddler to care for.
So as I’m going through this process again myself, I wanted to go a bit deeper, to really hone in on why I believe most moms struggle with this and what we can do to shift the narrative. It’s time to normalize moms being specific when asking for the support that they need from their husbands and trusted loved one.
You may be reading this and saying, I get what you’re saying, but where do I even start? Or Maybe you struggle with knowing exactly HOW to ask for the help and support you need. Well you’re in the right place. I’ve got the answer so let’s get right into it!
Understand needing help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. Pray and make your request known to God. Then take a look at your day/week/month, and list out the areas where you need help. Be specific, and write it down. Make a list in your phone while nursing your little one, or take a few moments on your lunch break. Think about what tasks cause the most stress, or where you don’t feel supported enough. Again, be specific! Don’t just write “help around the house” or “help with the kids” be clear about what that actually looks like. Does “help around the house” mean cooking and loading/unloading the dishwasher? Or does that mean deep cleaning the bathroom? Does “help with the kids” mean helping with bed time duties? Or helping with school pickup during the week? Again… identify what you need and be specific.
This is key, and took a bit of trial and error for me to really understand why this was such an important step in the process. Why? Well because what may be second nature for us as moms, may be completely foreign to someone else. So if we ask for help, and expect the person we’re asking to just understand how to get it done… we may find ourselves resentfully going back to redo/fix what that person did. And that only leads to us not asking for help again… and that’s not a good look! Being specific with our request for help, and what is needed to get that thing done makes a huge difference.
As you’re identifying the specifics of the help and support you need, you may find that the people in your life aren’t able to show up in this season. This is when you must give yourself permission to hire the help that you need. This could look like hiring a house keeper, paying for a meal service, laundry service, childcare or even therapy (like for real)! I know that in some communities, it’s frowned upon to hire/pay for help, but you have to make the decisions that will best serve you and your family. This was something my husband and I recently discovered. We sat down, and I presented to my husband some of the things that I needed help with around the house, and how beneficial it would be for me and for our family if we outsourced and hired someone to do it. Such a game changer! Listen! The time we get back in exchange for outsourcing some of these mundane tasks, is totally worth it.
So what did you discover? Did you write out your list? Did you identify the specifics? Now it’s time to put it to use! Click here and Download my Mommy Support Cheat Sheet so that you can start to experience what it feels like to finally get the help and support you need from your husband and trusted loved ones!
A few weeks ago a Facebook memory popped up from my stories that made me cringe a bit.
For reference… it was a 6 part story thread posted 2 years ago. I was going on about my goals as a “mompreneur” and I remember just how pressed I was to prove I still had it all together since becoming a mom. Now, don’t get me wrong, I did have some “mom things” figured out, but what I remember most is how I felt this immense pressure to perform and show up in this self proclaimed “mompreneur” role, and over time it became an exhausting expectation I placed on myself… show up for the people. Whew.
Now let me tell you a little bit about what was going on at that time. Just a few weeks prior to that 6 part story thread, God made it explicitly clear that I was to step away from my then Hair Slayed By Reese styling business, and I just felt like I had to immediately step into “doing” something else. Something that I could call “purposeful”. I was determined to keep up appearances. As much as I claimed to be walking in my purpose, the truth is I was more concerned with looking the part, as oppose to actually aligning my life with who God was calling me to be.
A year of that went on! Yes a year of pressure, people pleasing and trying to prove myself! A year of following all the gurus’ advice, trying to launch and pitch and position myself as an expert because I desperately wanted to be seen as important and successful… and it was exhausting!
Fast forward to today, and guess where God has me? Guess where I found my freedom from all the pressure, and my purpose in this season? I’ll give you a hint… it has nothing to do with trying to prove how successful I am.
I’m a full blown Stay at Home Mom and Wife and I’m embracing that as where God desires for me to be in this season. Prioritizing God above all things and pouring from my overflow into my family. God showed me that this is my first ministry, and that the road I was on previously wasn’t leading me to a place that He desired for me.
Since embracing this space and season (which let me tell you has not been easy), I found myself more present with my daughter, husband and myself. I’m more prayerful about the things concerning our lives individually and as a family! I’m more aware of what’s taking place with my husband and how to be his helpmate. And the time freedom is beautiful!
Scripture has become more alive to me than ever before. Like verses I’ve known and memorized, have breathed new life into this season of my journey. I’m also more present and aware of who I am in Christ (especially without all of the titles, praise and need for validation). This is particularly important since I used to be so afraid, embarrassed almost, when people used to ask me “what do you do”. I’ve even experienced a bit of “shaming” and side eyes from other moms when I shared that I’m a stay at home mom and wife (more on this another time because it’s deep and needs to be addressed).
Now I know this is a special place, and a privilege. I remember praying for this life, and now I see it for the blessing that it is (even with all of the challenges). I am the CEO of my home, and I’m learning to love it here. And anywhere that God places you is always blessed!
I know this is not everyone’s story. I’m connected to more working moms and mommypreneurs than I can count. But I must tell you that no matter what “work” you find yourself doing, the only work that will bring about an everlasting reward is the work we do for God. And you’re a wife and a mom… that always involves putting Him first in all that we do, and tending to our first ministry. Our homes.
Being pressed to show up (show off), and perform is not it. Hustling and overwhelming yourself to create a booming business, while your home is in flames is not a part of His plan for your life. Of course, this doesn’t mean don’t build your empire or work outside the home. Nonsense! Listen God has already given me a vision of some of the things I will do in the marketplace, and I’m excited when the time comes.
This is all about prioritizing our lives in such a way to ensure that we are aligned with who God is calling us to be in every season! Even when others don’t get it, or think we can “do more” because they see us as “gifted” and “called”. We have nothing to prove, when it comes to obeying Him.
We all need to do a heart check, and often. The way society is set up, it is so EASY to spiral down the wrong path. I encourage each of us to pray and ask our Father “is the work I am doing aligned with Your will for my life? Am I living for an audience of One? Or am I pressed? Purely responding to the pressure to perform and please others?” And if you find that anything is out of order, ask Him to open your eyes to see so that the necessary changes can be made in my life, today in Jesus’ name!
Obedience and aligning our lives with Him, in EVERY SEASON, will always be the way!
Since becoming a mom, I realized just how valuable it is for me to prioritize what I need to fill MY cup, so that I am are able to pour into my family and show up in the areas that matter most to me (my definition of self care). In my latest video “The hard Seasons of Mom Life“, I shared how this year has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life. Like for real, FOR REAL! And with that I’ve realized just how deep this practice of self care actual goes to help me in the midst of those most trying seasons of motherhood and life! If you know me you know I love my bi-weekly massages, Selfish Sundays, and alone time in the morning before my family wakes up…. but this year there have been 3 unexpected ways that I’ve been caring for myself that have helped me to remain in a place of victory during the storms of life. #3 a really did me in!
Yes, you read that correctly, Preparation has become a form of self care for me. With so many moving parts to my day, week, month… I found that preparation gives me the peace of mind that I’ve been missing, especially when all those parts are moving at the same time. One excellent example of this is clothes prep. Now I know this is not anything new, but it is for me. I am used to preparing the night before for the next day. But I really kicked things into high gear when I started to prepare for the week. It started with Dream’s outfits for the week. From her school clothes to her pjs, everything was laid out for the week. Then I added in my clothes for the week, from lounge wear to what I would wear to the gym… everything was set so I could “grab and go”!
Hubby was already taken care of. I don’t lay anything out for him, but I do ensure that his work clothes are washed, folded and ready for the week. I’m telling you… this has been a game changer. I’m not perfect by any means, and some mornings are still very much so a circus (I have a very active toddler on my hands), but this has added to my peace of mind and now I am looking at how I can add this level of preparedness to other areas of my life. How about you?
As a Believer (Jesus Christ Follower), I know this is something I need to do to live a life pleasing to God. but if I’m being honest, it wasn’t until I became a mom that I realized just how much my sanity depended on it. Yes… my sanity… mental health… peace of mind. I’m not talking about a quick Bible plan here and there, I mean a deep dive into the truths of His word, and discovering how it applies to my life as a wife and mom.
Most recently, Hebrews 6:10 spoke new life into me and encouraged me to the point of tears…
Being a mom is one of the absolute best things in the world… it is also the most difficult job I’ve ever been trusted with. So when I think of all of the mundane tasks throughout my day as a stay at home wife and mom, it can seem as though so much of what I do goes unnoticed.
When I saw this verse and really allowed God to open my heart to receive it… I understood that He sees it all. As I continually serve his beloved ones (my husband and children), not one thing I do goes unnoticed or without eternal reward. Add in Matthew 11:28 TPT… “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis”... and it’s just the reminder I need to breathe, reset, and refocus during those difficult moments.
Worship and gratitude have also proven to be excellent ways to self care. Crazy how taking my focus and attention off of myself, and instead focusing on the goodness of God, actually helps me to feel better and see more clearly. From attending church regularly, to my weekly gratitude walks, to filling my home with worship throughout the day… the impact this has on my well being and peace of mind is unmatched!
Read that again. I’ve always prided myself in letting go of things that don’t align with the woman I wanted to be… but this year, God interrupted my entire life and help me to see that I needed to focus on become the woman HE is calling me to be. And let me tell you, the two are not the same.
The woman I wanted to be was someone who was perfect, liked, celebrated, sought after, successful, embracing all things easy and beautiful and avoiding all things challenging. Crazy that I seriously lived my life by these standards, only to realize it was leading me down a path of superficial relevance full of unrealistic expectations, misaligned relationships, and people pleasing. And quite frankly there wasn’t much peace, joy or even growth there. Just feeling of inadequacy and piles of disappointment.
The woman God is calling me to be is loved, saved by grace, significant, a woman of gratitude living for an audience of One, joy filled and victorious in the midst of life challenges, abounding in the truth of His Word, and enjoying the abundance of this thing called life as I obey and abide in Him… as a wife, mom, and woman.
Really putting God first isn’t popular or trendy. There’s no “people pleasing” or “perfection” on this road. My relationships have changed (yes, I’ve had to mourn the loss of some friendships), old habits have had to die (most of which I thought defined me… my GOD), and I’ve faced challenges that I wouldn’t want anyone else to endure! But who I am becoming as a result of my obedience, and the life God has blessed me to experience, is greater than I can ask think or even imagine! So yea. I’d call that self care!
That before was taken right at the moment when I said to myself “why am I living like this, enough is enough” and I didn’t even capture the dining table bc I was so embarrassed. It was covered with mail, toys, old containers & dishes😩😭😩
You see I kept hearing & seeing a lot of things about momlife, and how mess and clutter are inevitable when you have kids. But it’s so wild because for me, I was using the “I have a kid” narrative to cover up a problem I’ve had for years with clutter😭😭😭
To be honest, I’d also convinced myself that “my mess wasn’t that bad” because I was comparing it to what others had… and their mess was way worse… smh!!! Just awful! I Told y’all comparison will keep you all the way stuck in your mess! Figuratively and LITERALLY!
Well A few months ago (after immersing myself into the world organizing), I decided to change that narrative in my life. I wanted to become a woman of order especially in my home. And although kids can add a whole lot of “messy” to your life & home… I decided I no longer wanted to live in that mess as my norm.
So I’ve been on a journey of creating a lifestyle where everything in my home has a place (ORDER), and I set a few moments daily to maintain my space (FLOW).
It’s funny bc all of this started when I took those first small steps (for example making my bed daily). And once I started with those simple daily habit, it’s like the energy to continue was overflowing from within me! I’ve tried to organize before, and fell short every single time! I realized this happened because I was only focused on the task. Once I decided to make this a lifestyle, and focus on who I want to BECOME in the process, the shift happened… and here we are! And I’m just getting started 🙌🏾
I encourage you to decide who you want to become, and create goals that are in alignment with that as you TAKE ACTION. Start as small as you need to. Be intentional and watch the energy that you need to carry on kick in and overtake you! This is not a competition, but rather an amazing opportunity for you to create the life you’ve always desired for yourself. A life of becoming all that you know you’re called to be, filled with the overflow and results you crave the most!
The choice is yours!
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