It was a Thursday evening, back in fall 2020. I’d just ended a Live Training for Mommy Stylists, while my husband took over all the evening/ night time duties with our 16 month old.
While putting away my tripod, laptop and equipment… my husband came downstairs hyped because he’d successfully put our little lady to sleep with minimal effort.
Y’all… the brother was READY to hang out.
But I was tired, and all I wanted to do was wind down and sleep.
You see this particular “Thursday” was “our day”. Before Dream was born, Thursday was our date day, and once Dream popped up on the scene, we decided it would become family day (unless we had someone to watch her, then of course we could date like old times).
But slowly and ever so surely… Thursday turned into my “work day”. 😬
It started off pretty innocently.
A quick call early in the morning before our day together started. Then a “quick” client from 7-10. But over time those “quick” work things started to become my norm, and I was working well into the time that was supposed to be just for us. I kinda noticed but hubby really noticed and was feeling some type of way.
I can’t recall exactly what happened on this day, but I do distinctly remember him saying…
“Why do I get your leftovers?”
“You’re always so live and bubbly on Instagram and with your mom group, but how come I don’t get that same energy?”
Can you say “OUCH” 😭😭😭😭😭
Yall… I was hurt, angry and a bit overwhelmed by this truth dart. I tried to say “Babe, that’s because that’s just business, and I have an image to maintain”… but God wasn’t finna let me get away with that excuse!
My husband was 1,000% right…. and I knew it!
You see sometimes you don’t need to step away and pray for God to show you what you need to do… sometimes He allows you to see it right then and there and you have to decide what you’re gonna do.
So I turned to him and said “I’m so sorry”.
I’d been giving my all to so many things that season… my little lady (obvi), my clients, my image… all of it… but my husband… the love of my life… my boo bear… was getting my leftovers! And he felt it.
Although I don’t like that I allowed that to happen… I’m so grateful that:
1. He felt comfortable telling me how he felt, and was not afraid to question me and my motives (we need that sometimes)
2. That I was able to receive it and that God was able to work on my heart in the moment
Since then… I’ve made several changes…
1. I’ve intentionally put my marriage in it’s proper place. My marriage is strong, and it’s even stronger now with the challenges we overcome. I realized that my marriage is to be honored above all else, yes… above my career, serving in church…etc. If my house isn’ t in order (i.e. my marriage), then what am I really doing. Furthermore, if my hubby tried to give me his leftovers…. LAWD! No Bueno!
2. I honor the day we set aside for ourselves. I no longer work in any capacity on “our day”. If God called me to do it, then I trust that He will help me to align my life in such a way where I am able to show up in purpose, and honor my commitment to my husband and our spending time together. I’ve had to get really intentional about how I structure my week… oh and my “no” game is stronger than ever!
3. I schedule “our day” on the calendar. To show how much of a priority our time is together, I put pen to paper and schedule our time together every single week. And now that has transformed into what we call “D-Day” where we sit, discuss what’s working and how we can improve, make decisions for our lives and our family together… and we DATE!!!!
Now please don’t miss the message. There will be times when you need “a moment”. There are times when I truly don’t have “it” to give, and my hubby knows and respects that. He’s also been even more intentional about finding ways to support me when I have “one of those days”. However, if you’re constantly giving all of yourself to everyone else… your family, friends, clients… and your husband is lucky to get an ounce of time/love/affection… then I encourage you to check yourself.
That should not be the norm, momma.
Check your priorities. Are things in their proper place? Ask God to show you your blind spots. Ask God not only to open your eyes to see, but to open your heart to receive direction and correction. As wives we have to put pride aside… along with all the narratives that would tell us we’re always right and our husbands should bend to our will… and courageously do the work to make things right. Let’s stop giving our husbands our leftovers.
Your husband and your marriage are worthy of your first fruits!
Living & Learning!